By Shari Levine

Do you like to play games and mess with other people's minds? Have you ever been the victim of a mind game?

Nobody is perfect when it comes to relationships. We all make mistakes and hurt other people's feelings. After all, relationships are complicated. You may feel torn between wanting to feel close and connected with other people and, at the same time, wanting to be independent and even selfish.

People play psychological (mind) games in relationships, especially with intimate partners (boyfriends or girlfriends) all the time. The main reason people play mind games is to control other people. Here are three examples:

1. Playing hard to get. This is a game that girls and boys have been playing forever. Sarah, a 15-year old girl, had a crush on Jonah, a guy in her class. Sarah told all of her friends that she liked Jonah, and spent lots of time trying to get his attention. Sarah's friends told Jonah that she was interested, so he tried to talk to her during recess. But every time he got close, Sarah would act shy and pretend not to notice him.

Sarah hoped that by ignoring Jonah, she would make him try even harder to get her attention. For a while Jonah played this game with Sarah, but after a few weeks he got fed up with her games, and assumed that she was not interested. Sarah's mind game backfired.

Healthy alternative: The best way to handle a crush is to let him know that you're interested. Flirt with him when you can, and hang out together when you have free time. Sure, this direct and honest approach is risky, and you may get rejected. Is he worth taking that chance?

2. "The conquest" is a mind game that will eventually hurt another person. It works like this: there is a boy named James who Chandra knows from church. James is cute, funny and most girls would love to hang out with him. Just for fun, Chandra started flirting with James and finally he asked her to his school dance. When she really thought about it, James was not the kind of boy she wanted to be with, so she said no. James was hurt and confused because Chandra seemed to like him up until the day he asked her out.

Healthy alternative: Let's face it, Chandra was only excited by the challenge of getting him interested in her, not by him. If you are in need of a challenge, don't mess with other people's heads. Instead, play a sport, learn to play an instrument or audition for the school play.

3. "Chase the loser" is an unhealthy game of competition. Jessie had known Scott since they were 3-years old. She never thought he was cute or particularly fun to be with. BUT, when Jennifer, her best friend, started to like Scott, Jessie changed her mind about him. All of a sudden Scott looked different to her, and she felt attracted to him for the first time since they met. Jennifer started to flirt with Scott, especially when Jessie was around. Scott felt confused by Jessie's sudden interest in him.

Happiness is something we all want. It is normal to be jealous of friends when they have exciting things happen in their lives. But, it is important to recognize when you are trying to be competitive (like Jessie) and stop. Leave your friend's crush alone and seek out your own happiness in things that make you feel good.

How can you relate to others without playing mind games?

• Be real. If you know what turns you on, what you like and dislike, and who you are inside, you will pick the right people to be friends and intimate partners with.
• Be honest. When you are honest people will trust you. Trust is one of the most important parts of a good relationship.
• Communicate. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Nobody can read your mind, so if you want others to understand what you are thinking then tell them!

Don't get played! What if you feel like someone is playing a mind with you? Call him or her on it  make it clear that you know what is going on and that you don't like it. It may feel good to get attention from a boy, but it won't feel good for long if he's playing games with you.