I resolve to begin being nicer TO ME!

By Shari Levine

For many people, celebrating the new year means parties, staying up late, watching the ball drop in Times Square, and making resolutions. The turn of a new year feels like a fresh start, a new beginning. Just like when you start a new grade in school each fall.

Every year around January 1st a lot of people, (myself included), reflect upon the past year and think about ways in which they can improve themselves. They make resolutions. Most resolutions are focused on changing unhealthy behaviors like not eating junk food, or getting off the couch and exercising. But we get busy, and very soon after January 1st many of us forget our resolutions and fall back into our old behaviors.

So, what's the key to making your resolutions successful? Let's take some time to explore this resolution thing in more depth.

The first question is: What does resolution mean? I started my exploration by looking it up in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (Pocket Books, 1974). It seems that resolution, according to definition #1, means: the act or process of resolving. Not very helpful. We all learned in English class that you can't use the word you are defining to define itself, right? So, we'll try definition #2: the action of solving. Now we're getting somewhere. Solving a problem.

Let's keep going with definition #3: the quality of being resolute: firmness, determination, and definition #4: a formal statement expressing the opinion, will, or intent of a body of persons. Bingo!

Now that we know what it is, we can move on to the process of making resolutions that stick. There are two main reasons why resolutions don't stick.

Most of the time resolutions are made to address issues that are on the surface, instead of what's underneath. When I say these things are on the surface I mean that they are just the tip of the iceberg. The tiny head is what you can see above the surface, while the bigger, underlying issues are lurking below.

Here's an example: if what you really want deep down is to make friends, then resolving to get in shape is not really going after or getting you closer to your true goal. So figure out what you really want to achieve -- if it really is as simple as getting in shape, then go for it! But, if you are looking for something else, then work directly toward that goal.

These things may attract people at first, but they will not keep them around. It's your personality, sense of humor, and values that will make your relationships meaningful and strong.

We can also fail at resolutions because of the unrealistic way we approach them. Often, we use the punishment/reward approach to changing our behaviors. We punish ourselves for doing the unhealthy behavior and then reward ourselves if we don't do it. A more successful way to change behavior is to figure out why you are doing it, what purpose it serves for you, and then change from the inside out. Look for support and encouragement from others, and work slowly and steadily toward your goal.

For example, when a girl resolves to get in shape and lose weight, what does she really want? She wants to look and feel good physically, right? Yes, but there's more. What is driving her to want to look good? What are the thoughts and feelings beneath her desire to look good? Often a girl thinks that if she looks a certain way people will like her. She will be accepted and respected more easily if she looks pleasing to others. It's totally normal to want these things. But the truth is that you don't make good friends just because your body looks a certain way or because you have fashionable clothes.

These things may attract people at first, but they will not keep them around. It's your personality, sense of humor, and values that will make your relationships meaningful and strong.

If you are the resolution making type, why not think about some alternatives for the new year? Here are some ideas:

Top Ten Healthy Resolutions for the New Year

10. Love yourself.
9. Treat yourself and others with respect.
8. Do something nice for someone.
7. Spend time with someone who needs your attention.
6. Practice forgiveness.
5. Let go of guilt.
4. Be more spontaneous.
3. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Be honest with yourself and with others.
1. Take advantage of what nature has to offer.

Try this for fun: select a theme for each year. Focus in on a specific way that you want to enrich your life and work toward that goal for the year. For example: This year could be: the year of facing fear, the year of living with joy, or the year of the family. I think I personally might make this the year of abundance. If you like this idea, give it a try either by yourself, with a friend, or with your family.