Do it positively! What are you saying?

By Shari Levine

Stan just broke up with me. He told me it was just because he was going away for the summer. He said over and over again that he still really likes me, and that we may get back together when school starts. But I know the truth. I'm fat, and that's why he broke up with me. I am going on a diet. But I'll never be as skinny or as pretty as Sasha or Natalie or Jane. So why should I even bother to lose weight? I can never stay on a diet anyway, I just get too hungry and crabby when I don't eat. I have no will power. But I need to get skinny or nobody will ever like me.

What is Self Talk?
Self talk is just what it sounds like: what you say to yourself in your mind. It can be positive, negative, or neutral, and it very strongly affects your relationships, self-esteem,job or athletic performance, mood, and health choices.

How does self talk affect you?
What we say to ourselves becomes what we believe about ourselves. Have you ever thought about something so much that you actually make it happen? (This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

We sometimes put ourselves down or make fun our ourselves rather than to speak positively about ourselves. Some people think that if you say something good about yourself that you are stuck-up or conceited. So, a lot of girls will say bad things about themselves to avoid getting a reputation for being stuck up. But talking negatively about yourself, whether it is in your mind or out loud, can be very damaging.

Negative self-talk can lead to low self-esteem, bad grades, unhappy relationships, and poor performance in sports or other activities.

What is negative self talk?
Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. talks about recognizing negative self talk (NST) and replacing it with positive self talk (PST) in her article Develop the Habit of Healthy Self Talk! The following is her list of 11 types of NST. Read each type to find out what it means and how to choose a positive alternative. As you read through this list think about the ways in which you talk to yourself and to others.

1. Focus only on problems - This means that you think only about problems, and not solutions to the problems. Instead of dwelling on problems, ask yourself: How can I make this situation different?

2. Catastrophizing - You make every bad thing that happens a complete disaster. Instead, you could realize that bad things happen and they are not all tragedies.

3. Expect the worst - Expecting the worst just increases your stress and makes you less effective. Instead, ask yourself how you can create a positive outcome. So, instead of saying I'm going to flunk that test, you can say What is the best way to study for this test; it's going to be tough!

4. Stereotyping - This means that you put other people (and maybe even yourself) into categories rather than thinking of people as individuals. Stereotyping affects your relationships in a negative way. Instead, think of each person as an individual with special qualities.

5. Shoulds - This is a hard one... Thinking you should do something takes away your freedom of choice, which you almost always have. Whenever you think I should… change it to I could... and see how different you feel.

6. Thinking in absolutes - Using words like always, never, or everyone is usually an exaggeration. Instead, use words that better reflect reality such as often or sometimes.

7. All or Nothing Thinking - By thinking in extremes we can be very negative, like when you see things as all good or all bad, without anything in between. Instead, try to explore the gray area more often and consider all of your choices.

8. Negative Labels - This is what we girls do too often: use negative labels to describe ourselves, like "'m so stupid. You may do something stupid, but that does not mean that you are stupid.

9. Blaming - Blaming yourself or others for the things that happen to you can make you feel better temporarily, but doesn't solve the problem. Instead focus on what you can do to solve the problem or improve the situation.

10. Yes, But... - You know this one: your friend asks you to help her with a problem, and after every suggestion you make she says Yes, but... and makes an excuse for why she cannot do it. If you do this, consider all the alternatives to the situation before you make a decision.

11. Overgeneralizing - This means that you take one situation and generalize it to all. For example: Stan is a nice guy and he broke up with me. Therefore no nice guys will ever want to go out with me.

TRY THIS and find out if you are an NSTer! (Negative Self Talker)

A Penny for your Thoughts
To find out if you are an NSTer, try this experiment. At the beginning of the day put a few (about 10 to 15) pennies in the right-hand pocket of your pants (shorts, skirt, whatever). Every time you think and/or say something negative about yourself, move a penny from your right pocket to your left pocket. At the end of the day, count the number of pennies in your left pocket.

Then, take about 10 minutes to think back over your day and write down each situation that made you think or say something negative about yourself. Was it when you got a bad grade on a test? Or was it in response to something a friend said to you?

Girls' guide to becoming a PSTer (Positive Self Talker)

If what you tell yourself is what you (and other people) believe, then why not tell yourself good things? To become a PSTer, you need to first become aware of your current pattern of thinking. Do the Penny for your Thoughts experiment. Once you are aware what triggers your NST, you can do something to change it.

One way to deal with NST is to stop it before it starts. Begin by gaining an awareness of your negative thoughts and then use a cue (a word or a gesture) to stop it and to clear your mind. So, as soon as you notice a negative thought going through your mind, do something to change your train of thought. For example, you could say the word STOP, snap your fingers, or wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you have a negative thought!

The next step is to change your NST into PST by replacing the negativity with more positive words. For example, when you say to yourself something like: I got a “C” on that math test. I'm so stupid, you can change your thinking to say I am going to study harder and learn more about math so that I can do better next time. See how you can put a positive spin on things while still being realistic?

You can reprogram your self talk by learning to use affirmations. An affirmation is a positive statement that changes negative beliefs and motivates new behaviors. An affirmation becomes true when you repeat it often enough in your mind – it becomes your reality. Write down a list of affirmations and place it in a spot that you are likely to see every day (like the bathroom mirror or your backpack.) Read your affirmations to yourself daily and imagine the end result.

Suggestions for writing affirmations:

• Be clear and specific. State exactly what you want. I am a member of the field hockey team.
• State what you wish to create, not what you want to change. My skin is clear and healthy, not My acne is better.
• Use the present tense. I am a talented piano player.
• Write affirmations in the positive. I have a loving relationship with my mother, not I don't fight with my mother.
• The affirmation is written for you and only you. Be sure to use I.
• Affirmations are for something you have control over in your life. I will be a grandmother is not an affirmation.
• It is very important to visualize the end result as you say your affirmation.
• Affirmations must be free of any doubt.

What we say to ourselves becomes what we believe about ourselves.

Reality is what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.

by Gary Zukav, the Dancing Wu Li Masters: An Overview of the New Physics