By Shari Levine
In high school I went out with this one boy, Brian, for a month. In that month we spoke about 10 words to one another. We never actually went out anywhere (sounds like a healthy first relationship, huh?). I got a text from Brian. He said I was a prude and he wanted to break up. I was hurt that he called me a prude, and I felt that I must have done something wrong. All I wanted was to talk to someone about it. I needed someone to tell me that he was a jerk, and that I was going to be okay, even better off without him as a boyfriend. But I couldn't talk to my mother about it, and my friends didn't understand why I was upset since Brian and I did not exactly have a real relationship. (In fact, we did not relate at all!)
I began to feel extremely self-conscious around boys, as if they were the ultimate judge of my self-worth. I questioned everything about myself, my appearance, abilities and intelligence. One day I realized that I couldn't concentrate in class, because I was so concerned about being liked and looking good. I used my brain to think about my clothes, hair and makeup, rather than to think about what I was supposed to be learning in school. I felt sad a lot of the time. I thought nobody liked me, that I was boring, and had nothing interesting to say. It was hard to concentrate, or to really care about anything the way I used to.
My depression manifested itself as an eating disorder. A diet became the most important thing to me. I couldn't do anything but think about food and my body. Dieting and exercising distracted my mind from the painful feelings that come with being a teenager. I noticed that my friends chose different ways to relieve their pain, like smoking cigarettes, drinking, doing drugs, and having sex. We all wanted to escape the pain we felt as we traveled through adolescence.
For girls, puberty (between ages 10-16) seems to be a very high risk time for depression. Before age 10, girls and boys get depressed in equal numbers. By the age of 16, there is an increase in depression in girls compared to boys. By adulthood, twice as many women have depression as men.
There are many reasons why girls can get depressed, including:
- hormone changes during puberty
- traumatic events in life (like the death of a loved one or parents divorcing)
- heredity (if someone in your family had or has depression)
- low self-esteem
- weak coping strategies
Researchers think that girls get depressed more often than boys because in our culture girls are expected to be helpless, dependent, and concerned with appearance rather than competent, powerful, and confident. (This is not true for all girls).
Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, says that all girls experience pain at this point in their development (puberty). If that pain is blamed on themselves, (like I did) on their own failures, it manifests itself as depression. If that pain is blamed on others - on parents, peers or the culture - it shows up as anger.
Symptoms of Depression
- You feel sad, irritated, and/or numb a lot of the time.
- Things that you used to like doing feel dull and don't make you happy anymore.
- You either eat a lot to try and satisfy the empty feeling inside or don't eat much at all.
- You feel guilty, hopeless and useless.
- You have a lot of physical problems like stomach aches, headaches, and chest pain that are not caused by a known illness.
- You cannot concentrate or make decisions.
- You feel either very restless or very tired.
- You think about death or suicide.
- Your grades have dropped.
- You have gained or lost weight.
- You sleep too much or too little.
- You don't want to hang out with friends anymore.
- You have no interest in things that you used to like doing.
- You cry for no particular reason.
If you have had several of these symptoms for more than a few weeks, you may be dealing with depression. If you have been thinking about death or suicide, you need to get help immediately. Talk to a counselor, family member, friend or hotline immediately. If you think you may be depressed, take this QUIZ below.
Treatment for Depression
There are many successful treatments for depression. Counseling and therapy work well for many people with milder forms of depression. A combination of medication and counseling is very effective for more serious forms of depression. If you think you may be depressed, get help! There is nothing to be embarrassed about. If you can, it is important to talk to your parents about your feelings and your need to get help. But, if you can't talk to your parents, there are many other resources, like your school counselors, teachers, coaches and friend's parents who you may be more comfortable talking to about your feelings.
Talk to your parents
Telling your parents that you feel depressed can be difficult. Depending on your parents' personalities, they could respond in a number of different ways. The best response your parents can have would be to be supportive and loving. They would understand and help you get into treatment. On the other end of the spectrum, some parents will not understand, and will respond negatively. They might deny that you have a problem, or say things that are not helpful, like What do you have to be depressed about? If this happens to you, try to understand that no parent wants to think something could be wrong with their child. Some parents cope better with crisis than others, and they may feel guilty that they cannot protect you from this pain. Your parents may just need to be educated about depression, and once they are, they will probably be able to help you. If not, do not let them stop you from getting the help you need. Talk to other adults who can explain the situation to your parents and convince them to get you the help you
If at any time you feel so sad and depressed that you want to hurt yourself or commit suicide, it is critical that you get help immediately. Tell a parent or another adult who you can trust. If there is no one you can tell, call your local suicide or crisis hotline, or the emergency room at the hospital in your community.
Suicide
The suicide rate for adolescents has increased more than 200% over the last ten years. About 2,000 teens commit suicide each year. After accidents and homicide, suicide is the most common cause of death in teenagers. Researchers have found that before puberty, suicide is uncommon. The greatest number of teenagers commit suicide around age 15, and less in the later teen years. When someone talks about committing suicide take them seriously! Talk of killing oneself can be the first clue that there is something wrong.
Mary Pipher says that to get though the tough times of adolescence, girls must learn how to manage their pain. She says that all the craziness in the world comes from people trying to escape suffering. All mixed up behavior comes from unprocessed pain. People drink and gamble, cut themselves with razors and even kill themselves in an attempt to escape pain.
In treatment, Dr. Pipher teaches girls to feel their pain, sit with it, listen to it for messages about their lives, acknowledge and describe the feelings rather than run from them. She teaches girls to write about pain, talk about it, express it through exercise, art, dance and music. Life in the 90's is so stressful that all girls need predictable ways to calm themselves. If they don't have positive ways such as exercise, reading, hobbies or meditation, they will find negative ways such as eating, drinking, drugs or self-mutilation.
Girls are socialized to look to the world for praise and rewards, and this keeps them other-oriented and reactive. They are also vulnerable to depression if they happen to be in an environment where they are not validated. I teach them to look within themselves for validation. I ask them to record victories and bring these in to share with me. Victories are actions that are in keeping with their long term goals. Once a girl learns to validate herself, she is less vulnerable to the world's opinion..
There are so many lessons to learn as you are growing up. I believe that one of the most essential skills a girl can have is being able to look to herself for approval, rather than looking outside to her friends, significant others, and even her parents. Learn this skill, practice it, and ride out the peaks and valleys of life knowing that you are going to be ok.
QUIZ
If you answer yes to more than two of the following questions, you may be depressed. Talk to your parents, health care provider or some adult you trust about how you are feeling.
Much of the time do you feel sad, tired, hopeless, worthless, helpless?
Much of the time do you have difficulty making decisions, have trouble concentrating, have memory problems?
Lately have you lost interest in things that used to give you pleasure? Had problems in school, with friends or family? Isolated yourself from others?
Lately have you felt low energy, restless or irritable? Had trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or getting up in the morning? Lost your appetite or gained weight? Been bothered by persistent headaches, stomach aches, back aches, muscle or joint pain?
Lately have you been drinking more alcohol, taking drugs, or trying other risky behaviors?
Lately have you been thinking about hurting yourself, your funeral or killing yourself?
Here are some sites for help.
