A Good Friend Doesn't Ignore What She Sees
By Shari Levine
Isabell's Diary
Wednesday, January 26
Dear Diary,
I did it again. This time was the worst. When I woke up this morning, I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it today. But I did. I left really early for school so Mom didn't have time to bug me about eating breakfast or packing a lunch. By third period I felt ill: lightheaded, weak, and crabby. Josie asked me to go with her to McDonald's for lunch. She knows that I'm on a diet, but she asked anyway. I got mad and told her to stop trying to sabotage my diet. Why can't she understand that I'm fat and I need to lose weight?
By 3 PM I was starving. I wanted to eat something light, so I went to the store and got a salad and a Diet Coke. I was still hungry after eating the salad, but I knew that Mom would expect me to be home for dinner at 6 PM. I walked in the door and the house smelled amazing. Mom was baking chocolate chip cookies. I was so hungry, it was impossible to wait for dinner. I ate a few cookies to tie me over. I was overwhelmed with guilt over breaking my diet, and I knew what was going to happen. I started to feel that strange buzzing sensation all over my body, and I knew what I had to do.
All through dinner I went over it in my head: thinking up a good excuse to get out of the house, buying the food, eating in private, and throwing up without getting interrupted, or worse, or getting caught in the act.
Friday, January 28
Dear Diary,
Mom suspects something. She's on my back about my eating habits and my weight. Every time she asks me if I've eaten, I lie. I feel so guilty about everything- lying to my family and friends, all the money I waste on food, and how self-centered I've become. All I think about is my body, being skinny, and food. What a waste of time and energy. I can't take it much longer, but I do not know how to stop.
Sunday, January 30
Dear Diary,
Thank God this weekend is over. I am so tired. Tired of not being able to have fun anymore because all I think about is my body and how I look. I get so stressed and I just want to eat. Nothing calms me down like food. Yesterday Dad was in a bad mood, yelling at everyone. He was mad at me for being on the phone for a couple of hours last night. I guess I made him miss an important business call, but how was I supposed to know? He screamed at me for about fifteen minutes. Afterward, I went to my room and cried because I felt so badly about myself. I can't do anything right, everybody hates me, and I am so ugly and fat. If I could just lose weight and be skinny, everything would be OK. I swear, starting right now I am on a diet. I won't eat until Wednesday.
Tuesday, February 1
Dear Diary,
I'm so cold. I haven't eaten since Sunday, and it's hard to get out of bed because I'm so tired and weak. Just one more day of fasting, and then I can eat. If I can just make it through school today, I can come home and get back in bed. I'll tell Mom that I've got the flu and I can't eat. This is getting so hard. I can't concentrated in class, it's hard to keep a conversation going with my friends, and I feel like I'm on a treadmill going nowhere fast. I wish someone would help me, but who? I can't talk to Mom about it, she just doesn't understand what I am going through. My sister is skinny and always has been, so she wouldn't get it either. Josie is the only one who I can talk to, and lately I have been so mean to her. I've been mean to everyone who loves me.
I need help, but I'm too ashamed to admit that I have this disorder.
Friday, February 4
Dear Diary,
Another weekend to get through. I used to look forward to weekends, playing soccer, going to the mall, seeing movies. Now all I can think about is food. Lately I worry about getting caught eating or throwing up. Mom's keeping a close eye on the amount of food I eat, and it's driving me nuts. I feel like I need to eat a lot around her so that she'll leave me alone. The more people bug me about my weight and eating, the more I want to be alone.
Sunday, February 6
Dear Diary,
I spent the afternoon at Barnes and Noble reading magazines. I will never be as pretty or skinny as the models in Seventeen. But I still want to look like them! While I was browsing through the books at Barnes and Noble, Wasted, a memoir of anorexia and bulimia by Marya Hornbacher caught my eye. I noticed the woman's picture on the cover. She looked a lot like a model, but something about her expression was dark and desperate. As I skimmed the pages of this book I knew that I needed to get help, or else I would end up like Marya, living forever with, or eventually dying from an eating disorder.
I've got to get out of this miserable cycle of starving, then stuffing myself, feeling guilty, and then getting rid of the food in such an unhealthy way. I need help, but I'm too ashamed to admit that I have this disorder. I feel trapped.
Wednesday, February 9
Dear Diary,
I know what I have to do. If I can't tell anyone about my problem face to face, I need to get the message out another way. If only someone could read my mind.
Josie's Diary
Wednesday, January 26
Dear Diary,
I am so pissed! All I did was ask Isabell to go to McDonald's for lunch, and she jumped down my throat. She yelled something ridiculous about trying to make her eat junk food when she was on a diet. I wasn't even thinking about that! I just wanted to break out and do something fun for lunch. It's so hard to relate to her these days. I feel like I've lost my best friend to a stupid diet!
Then tonight I ran into her at the grocery store. She said that she was shopping for her Mom, but all she had in her cart was a box of doughnuts, a pint of Cherry Garcia, and a king sized Snickers. I have never seen her so jumpy and nervous. She was in a huge rush to get home. Something's up with her, but I don't know what it is.
Friday, January 28
Dear Diary,
I think Isabell's keeping secrets. I keep catching her in lies, like when she said she was grocery shopping for her Mom, but all she was bought was ice cream and doughnuts. Then she lied about where she was last night. I called at 7:00 and her Dad said she was at the library. When I asked her, she said she was home all night.
Sunday, January 30
Dear Diary,
It was a great weekend until Isabell told me she's not going to eat again until Wednesday. Every time she stops eating, she gets really mean. We used to have so much fun together until she started this diet. Now she has no energy and talks non-stop about food. I wish she would just snap out of it.
Tuesday, February 1
Dear Diary,
I ran into Isabell today at our lockers before fifth period. She looked like hell, really tired and pale. It turns out that she was serious about not eating since Sunday. I thought she was going to pass out right there in the hall! I am beginning to wonder if she has a problem, like an eating disorder or something.
Friday, February 4
Dear Diary,
I'm pretty sure of it now, Isabell's got a problem with food. But she's so distant, I feel like I can't talk to her about anything, especially this. I guess I'll just see if it gets better. I'm sleeping over her house tomorrow night, so I can watch what she eats and see if I'm right about this.
Sunday, February 9
Dear Diary,
I feel so guilty. I found Isabell's diary last night after she fell asleep, it was like she left it out for me to find it. I just wanted to know what was up with her these past few months, so I read a few entries. It's true, she's got an eating disorder, and now that I know about it, I need to do something. All day I've been trying to think of a way to talk to her about it, but I am so afraid of her temper. She's going to be so mad at me.
Wednesday, February 9
Dear Diary,
Today I'm going to talk to Isabell about her problem. I asked her to get a coke with me after school and she agreed, for a change. I know this is the right thing to do, but I am still nervous about it.
Signs of Disordered Eating and Exercise Behaviors
Psychological/Emotional
- Critical of self and others
- Difficulty concentrating
- Preoccupied with weight, shape, food and exercise
- Comments on fat often
- Isolated
- Worries about what other people think
- Mood swings
- Depression or sadness
- Feels tired, weak and cold
Physical
- Noticeable weight changes - loss or gain
- Excessive exercise
- Stress fractures
- Swollen glands in neck or face
- Tooth marks on hands from vomiting
Abnormal Eating
- Denies hunger
- Ritualistic eating behaviors (e.g. will only eat after dark or when alone)
- Only eats fat-free foods
- Goes to the bathroom after meals
- Evidence of binge eating (food wrappers)
- Evidence of vomiting (smells in bathroom)
- Evidence of laxative or diuretic use (packaging)
- Eats a lot of food quickly and out of control
- Skips meals
- Cooks for others but will not eat
Tips for reaching out to someone who may have an eating disorder:
- Gather information from experts like school counselors, nurses, teachers or other health care providers about eating disorders, and get a list of professionals who can help in your community.
- Select a time to talk when you will not feel rushed and when you will not have to be interrupted.
- In a direct and non-judgmental way, describe to the person the specific observations (e.g. evidence of binge-eating and purging, preoccupation with being "fat") that have aroused your concern.
- Avoid labels like "I just know you are bulimic," and avoid vague judgments like "There's something wrong with you, you're too thin."
- Describe specific situations you have observed like "I've noticed you are leaving the table after each meal and going to the bathroom."
- Keep your statements brief and allow the person time to respond.
- Express your concern for the person's health and well-being, keeping the focus off of the way she or he looks.
- If the person discloses information about his or her problem, listen carefully and with empathy.
- Do not criticize her/him by saying something like "That's crazy," or "Can't you see what you are doing to yourself by not eating?"
- Keep the focus of the conversation on the possible existence of a serious problem, not the detection of an eating disorder.
- Conclude the conversation by offering the names and phone numbers of professionals who the person can contact about this issue.
Remember to communicate the following to the person:
- You care about the quality of the person's life and what they do, not what they look like or their eating habits.
- You are concerned about the specific attitudes and behaviors which you and others have observed.
- Early intervention is very important! The earlier someone gets help, the faster they will get better.
Guidelines for what to do if you are faced with anger, denial, and resistance:
- Avoid an argument or any type of emotional confrontation. Do your best to repeat the evidence you have observed, repeat your concern, and repeat your conviction that something must be done.
- Avoid scare tactics. You will only push the person away if you threaten her or him.
- Terminate the conversation if it is going nowhere or if either one of you is becoming too upset. Inform the person that you have plenty of reason to believe that something is wrong and if she or he wants to talk further, you are available.
- Do not promise to keep the matter a secret. Promise to keep it discrete, but there may come a time when you need to talk with someone about what is happening.
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